Change

Well I am writing another blog. I am sure glad I am staying on top of it! I will say though that I am surprised that no one is actually following my blog yet. Not saying that it's interesting, but it's kinda lonely on here. It really doesn't matter though I guess in the bigger picture. What matters is that this blogging is a form of therapy for me and I must say that it is really working.

So I went on the "dinner" with my brother and whatever she is, and it wasn't awful -- which is saying a lot. It was decent and there wasn't a lot of tension. I will say though that at the end of it I was still very disappointed in my brother and saddened. I point blank asked him if he would like to hang out -- just me and him and go to the movies or the mummies exhibit, etc. He would not answer. He just kept saying "that's cool" -- he would not say yes or no. Made me sad. He acted so cowardly. At this point it was made very clear to me that my brother not now nor will he ever spend any time with ME. It will ALWAYS include his gf and there is no room for me in his life without her being a barrier/wall between us.

Matt had to remind me that it had nothing to do with me. It was him and only him... not being capable of doing something or making a decision about anything by himself. So now I find myself at that cross road... do I have dinner with them again and again and just accept that this is the only "relationship" I will ever have with him? Or do I put my foot down and call it quits on spending any time with them until he approaches me to hang out (just me and him). I am thinking I will go with option #2 -- don't make plans until he approaches me to hang out with him and only him. Makes sense right? I mean, I have been very clear with him of my wants and needs here and they have been dismissed. As they say, it's out of my hands for now.

Moving onto other changes...

My buddy and source of sanity at work, Cathy, told me that she has decided to move to Las Vegas with her cousin because of a job opportunity he got there. I am very happy for her, because I know she is just as unhappy here as I am. She is ready for a change in her life and jumped on an opportunity. I am proud of her. I must admit I feel very sad that my beloved friend is moving away. I will miss seeing her everyday. I also feel very nervous that I am now going to be stuck in this bad job ALONE. Really! Alone. My other co-worker Lisa is starting work at Paramount soon and will be giving my boss her 2-weeks notice shortly. Now Cathy will be gone. I will be the ONLY one doing work here. It's a lot to handle. That said, I am interviewing at a few different places right now. One very promising company in Santa Barbara. Feeling some anxiety about the idea of working in the opposite direction of my parents and friends, I decided to use my Saturday with Matt in a more useful way, so we went to Santa Barbara for the day. I checked out the office building right in the heart of downtown. It was quaint and nice.

I am now seeing this as MY change. Or should I admit that I am hoping this will be a change for me? It's time! It's been time! I sincerely hope I get this opportunity. It would be great to work in such a beautiful city and not deal with L.A. traffic anymore. This job would also be a great opportunity for me because they provide insurance and benefits, a good salary, it's much more stable than entertainment and the environment is friendly and not toxic. It's essentially the opposite of my everyday right now. I can honestly say that my current job is toxic and when it's not a horrible day -- than it's a good day. Therefore, there are no "real" good days at this job... sad.

It seems that close ones around me are changing, progressing and moving on with their lives. All the while I am still in this hamster wheel -- running in place. I am exhausted, I am aged and drained.

Like Obama said so many times... "We need change now that we can believe in." Even though not much has changed since he became president lol, those words still ring true to me personally. I need change now, change that I can believe in."