I haven't blogged on here in so long but I am at a place in my life right now that I need to vent. No doubt there are things in my life that are going exceedingly well. For starters I have a wonderful job, bosses and coworkers. I have a nice apartment and a new puppy that I am in love with completely. However this puppy is WORK and it takes two for sure. I went into this commitment with Matt, feeling ever so much more nervous and cautious about getting involved in another commitment with Matt when the man hasn't commited to me. He hasn't asked me to marry him and it's driving me nuts. It's driving my parents nuts. Even his parents seem confused as to why he hasn't asked. This has been hurting our relationship ever so much more as each day rolls by. I need him in my life and I love him, but when do I say enough is enough? What is the timeline for this sort of thing in which I finally have to decide to say goodbye. I believe there are other men out there who would want to make that commitment and not "sit on it." Then again there are times I wonder... is it me? Am I the reason he hasn't asked? I can be pushy and mean, and lately we have not been getting along at all. I give him attitude because of this. Is he hesitating to ask because the right time hasn't come up because of my bad attitude towards him right now? Is he hesitating to ask me because the ring I want is too expensive? I am not sure. At this point, do I want to marry him? I feel lost with him and in a rut. He doesn't value his time with me and is more interested in spending quality time with the dog if that makes sense. I am trying to tell him what I need but I just don't know how. He doesn't understand me when I try to tell him. I tell him I need more romance, more special attention and quality time. I deserve that. There are plenty of other men who would be interested in giving that to me in a heart beat. He takes me for granted. I am hitting my limit and I am very unhappy. The fact that I was left all weekend with too much responsibility was enough, but for him not to care about it at all makes me infuriated. He says he cares but I know he doesn't. He never calls interested in how I am doing, all he wants to know is that the dog is okay. Of course the dog is okay. It didn't die on my watch. I am a good owner. I feel semi-foolish for getting into that kind of commitment with him when it could have and has become unequal. He's not supportive or there for me. He didn't even ask if it was okay to leave me for almost a week and alone with the dog. He was going to work, but that work is always optional, and he had a much more pressing obligation and responsibility which was dumped on me. He doesn't understand that this is the reason I have been resentful to him about it. This was just another way he took me for granted. So it added to the bigger picture of why I am so unsatisfied in this relationship. So now what? Do I continue to spoon feed him what I need while he acts victimized and doesn't absorb what I am telling him? Or do I walk away from this relationship?
Monday, August 29, 2011
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Change
Well I am writing another blog. I am sure glad I am staying on top of it! I will say though that I am surprised that no one is actually following my blog yet. Not saying that it's interesting, but it's kinda lonely on here. It really doesn't matter though I guess in the bigger picture. What matters is that this blogging is a form of therapy for me and I must say that it is really working.
So I went on the "dinner" with my brother and whatever she is, and it wasn't awful -- which is saying a lot. It was decent and there wasn't a lot of tension. I will say though that at the end of it I was still very disappointed in my brother and saddened. I point blank asked him if he would like to hang out -- just me and him and go to the movies or the mummies exhibit, etc. He would not answer. He just kept saying "that's cool" -- he would not say yes or no. Made me sad. He acted so cowardly. At this point it was made very clear to me that my brother not now nor will he ever spend any time with ME. It will ALWAYS include his gf and there is no room for me in his life without her being a barrier/wall between us.
Matt had to remind me that it had nothing to do with me. It was him and only him... not being capable of doing something or making a decision about anything by himself. So now I find myself at that cross road... do I have dinner with them again and again and just accept that this is the only "relationship" I will ever have with him? Or do I put my foot down and call it quits on spending any time with them until he approaches me to hang out (just me and him). I am thinking I will go with option #2 -- don't make plans until he approaches me to hang out with him and only him. Makes sense right? I mean, I have been very clear with him of my wants and needs here and they have been dismissed. As they say, it's out of my hands for now.
Moving onto other changes...
My buddy and source of sanity at work, Cathy, told me that she has decided to move to Las Vegas with her cousin because of a job opportunity he got there. I am very happy for her, because I know she is just as unhappy here as I am. She is ready for a change in her life and jumped on an opportunity. I am proud of her. I must admit I feel very sad that my beloved friend is moving away. I will miss seeing her everyday. I also feel very nervous that I am now going to be stuck in this bad job ALONE. Really! Alone. My other co-worker Lisa is starting work at Paramount soon and will be giving my boss her 2-weeks notice shortly. Now Cathy will be gone. I will be the ONLY one doing work here. It's a lot to handle. That said, I am interviewing at a few different places right now. One very promising company in Santa Barbara. Feeling some anxiety about the idea of working in the opposite direction of my parents and friends, I decided to use my Saturday with Matt in a more useful way, so we went to Santa Barbara for the day. I checked out the office building right in the heart of downtown. It was quaint and nice.
I am now seeing this as MY change. Or should I admit that I am hoping this will be a change for me? It's time! It's been time! I sincerely hope I get this opportunity. It would be great to work in such a beautiful city and not deal with L.A. traffic anymore. This job would also be a great opportunity for me because they provide insurance and benefits, a good salary, it's much more stable than entertainment and the environment is friendly and not toxic. It's essentially the opposite of my everyday right now. I can honestly say that my current job is toxic and when it's not a horrible day -- than it's a good day. Therefore, there are no "real" good days at this job... sad.
It seems that close ones around me are changing, progressing and moving on with their lives. All the while I am still in this hamster wheel -- running in place. I am exhausted, I am aged and drained.
Like Obama said so many times... "We need change now that we can believe in." Even though not much has changed since he became president lol, those words still ring true to me personally. I need change now, change that I can believe in."
So I went on the "dinner" with my brother and whatever she is, and it wasn't awful -- which is saying a lot. It was decent and there wasn't a lot of tension. I will say though that at the end of it I was still very disappointed in my brother and saddened. I point blank asked him if he would like to hang out -- just me and him and go to the movies or the mummies exhibit, etc. He would not answer. He just kept saying "that's cool" -- he would not say yes or no. Made me sad. He acted so cowardly. At this point it was made very clear to me that my brother not now nor will he ever spend any time with ME. It will ALWAYS include his gf and there is no room for me in his life without her being a barrier/wall between us.
Matt had to remind me that it had nothing to do with me. It was him and only him... not being capable of doing something or making a decision about anything by himself. So now I find myself at that cross road... do I have dinner with them again and again and just accept that this is the only "relationship" I will ever have with him? Or do I put my foot down and call it quits on spending any time with them until he approaches me to hang out (just me and him). I am thinking I will go with option #2 -- don't make plans until he approaches me to hang out with him and only him. Makes sense right? I mean, I have been very clear with him of my wants and needs here and they have been dismissed. As they say, it's out of my hands for now.
Moving onto other changes...
My buddy and source of sanity at work, Cathy, told me that she has decided to move to Las Vegas with her cousin because of a job opportunity he got there. I am very happy for her, because I know she is just as unhappy here as I am. She is ready for a change in her life and jumped on an opportunity. I am proud of her. I must admit I feel very sad that my beloved friend is moving away. I will miss seeing her everyday. I also feel very nervous that I am now going to be stuck in this bad job ALONE. Really! Alone. My other co-worker Lisa is starting work at Paramount soon and will be giving my boss her 2-weeks notice shortly. Now Cathy will be gone. I will be the ONLY one doing work here. It's a lot to handle. That said, I am interviewing at a few different places right now. One very promising company in Santa Barbara. Feeling some anxiety about the idea of working in the opposite direction of my parents and friends, I decided to use my Saturday with Matt in a more useful way, so we went to Santa Barbara for the day. I checked out the office building right in the heart of downtown. It was quaint and nice.
I am now seeing this as MY change. Or should I admit that I am hoping this will be a change for me? It's time! It's been time! I sincerely hope I get this opportunity. It would be great to work in such a beautiful city and not deal with L.A. traffic anymore. This job would also be a great opportunity for me because they provide insurance and benefits, a good salary, it's much more stable than entertainment and the environment is friendly and not toxic. It's essentially the opposite of my everyday right now. I can honestly say that my current job is toxic and when it's not a horrible day -- than it's a good day. Therefore, there are no "real" good days at this job... sad.
It seems that close ones around me are changing, progressing and moving on with their lives. All the while I am still in this hamster wheel -- running in place. I am exhausted, I am aged and drained.
Like Obama said so many times... "We need change now that we can believe in." Even though not much has changed since he became president lol, those words still ring true to me personally. I need change now, change that I can believe in."
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
What am I doing wrong?
Well it has been a long time since I blogged on here and only a few blogs at best. I am noticing a pattern that the only time I ever really feel like blogging is when I am overwhelmed with sadness or frustration and my hands are tied. The person(s) I want to and need to express my anger toward... I can't. In this case, it is my brother. He is one of the most upsetting parts of my life that has near-handicapped me with ever having a possible relationship with him. Knowing that he has hurt me in so many ways when I was young, not to mention leaving for 7 years, no where to be found and proving to me with his actions, or lack there of, that he does NOT want any real relationship with his sister or his parents. I truly believe he keeps the three of us at arms length, because he does not want either party to see him for what he has done and who he is. He lies. Period. He has lied since I was old enough to understand what lying is. He lied to my parents about so much. And now... he just lies to everyone about my parents. I am angry at him for allowing his gf to be a barrier between he and his family. I am angry at him for not acting like a brother to me and worse, not allowing me to be his sister no matter how hard I try.
There are things in my life I have control over, and there are things in my life that I don't. But wait... I do. I do have control, but taking that control and doing what's right for me would mean that I will lose something. If I do what is right for me in this situation (i.e. stop exposing myself to the toxic person he has chosen to be with), I will have to let him go completely. I have attempted this before... letting go. Now I find myself right back in the place I hate.
I hate that my brother cannot be a real man, treat his family decently, have a good work ethic or a work ethic period. I hate that he has become this unproductive leach in society that does nothing for himself or anyone else, except her. David has always had problems, social problems. He lies, he misinterprets EVERYTHING you say and he is the epitome of paranoid. Everyone is out to hurt him and get him. Allowing this girl to run his life only doubles the problem. It is now everyone is out to hurt them and it's them against the world. This mentality makes it impossible to have a normal conversation with him or her. How can you communicate with someone who misinterprets and reads into everything you say. I am walking on GIANT egg shells here.
I unfortunately have committed myself to having dinner with the both of them tomorrow night. It pains me that it MUST be with the both of them. How do you have a "nice" time with two people who are insane and think that their not, but that everyone else around them is. I don't think they have friends... at least not real friends that like them.
This among other things have been making me feel very depressed and trapped. I spend most of my everyday doing things I don't like for people I don't like. My boss is one of these people, but ironically and surprisingly she is good at dealing with difficult people. In a nervous attempt to gain some clarity on how I should handle this difficult woman, I actually asked my boss for advice. And she gave me good advice. She asked me if I have ever seen a therapist before, not because she felt I needed one, but wanted to tell me something valuable that her therapist has told her. She said "Amy, when you are young, everything is about "I should" -- but as you get older, life becomes more about "I want to" or " I don't want to." Amy you learn to make decisions for YOURSELF and no one else as you become wiser." Then she went on to say that I need to lay it out on the line and tell them that "this is the last time I will be spending time with both of them. Next time I would like to spend time with just you David, and if there is a problem with that, than you won't see me for a long time." This could go badly. But she said, so what?! I shouldn't be afraid of losing him because that has already happened.
Now these are all things that I know but it does help to hear more than one person say them. Validates these thoughts. My depression is something I know I have the power to alleviate. I just have to be stronger and say goodbye to some things in my life. I will go to the dinner tomorrow night... grit my teeth, bite my tongue and just deal with it. If my brother cannot or will not hang out with me alone the next time we try and plan something, that will be the end of me reaching out... period! That is a difficult decision to make as he is my brother, but a necessary one.
Aside from that and continuously working to get a new job that pays more and has benefits, my negative feelings I know will subside. If at that point, I still feel unhappy, well then I will know that it is definitely time to see a therapist, because that must mean my issues are partially internal. This is my action plan. It may not be the best plan for just anyone, but I believe it is for me. At least for right now. I love my brother because I feel I have to, not because I want to. I DO however WANT to love myself more.
Poor Matt doesn't really understand what I am going through and therefore does not have the magic word to say nor does he know the right thing for me to do. I keep thinking I should rely on him. But how can you rely on something that doesn't understand what you are going through? He has a very different life, a good job and a close family. Not to say that he doesn't have down times in his life or that he doesn't struggle with stuff too, but not the particular things that I am. He tries though and that is what matters. He's a good friend to me.
Overall, little things like blogging help lift me out of my depressed state, and so do others agreeing and/or being understanding of what my issue(s) are. Also, especially when someone gives me good advice.
More updates to come...
There are things in my life I have control over, and there are things in my life that I don't. But wait... I do. I do have control, but taking that control and doing what's right for me would mean that I will lose something. If I do what is right for me in this situation (i.e. stop exposing myself to the toxic person he has chosen to be with), I will have to let him go completely. I have attempted this before... letting go. Now I find myself right back in the place I hate.
I hate that my brother cannot be a real man, treat his family decently, have a good work ethic or a work ethic period. I hate that he has become this unproductive leach in society that does nothing for himself or anyone else, except her. David has always had problems, social problems. He lies, he misinterprets EVERYTHING you say and he is the epitome of paranoid. Everyone is out to hurt him and get him. Allowing this girl to run his life only doubles the problem. It is now everyone is out to hurt them and it's them against the world. This mentality makes it impossible to have a normal conversation with him or her. How can you communicate with someone who misinterprets and reads into everything you say. I am walking on GIANT egg shells here.
I unfortunately have committed myself to having dinner with the both of them tomorrow night. It pains me that it MUST be with the both of them. How do you have a "nice" time with two people who are insane and think that their not, but that everyone else around them is. I don't think they have friends... at least not real friends that like them.
This among other things have been making me feel very depressed and trapped. I spend most of my everyday doing things I don't like for people I don't like. My boss is one of these people, but ironically and surprisingly she is good at dealing with difficult people. In a nervous attempt to gain some clarity on how I should handle this difficult woman, I actually asked my boss for advice. And she gave me good advice. She asked me if I have ever seen a therapist before, not because she felt I needed one, but wanted to tell me something valuable that her therapist has told her. She said "Amy, when you are young, everything is about "I should" -- but as you get older, life becomes more about "I want to" or " I don't want to." Amy you learn to make decisions for YOURSELF and no one else as you become wiser." Then she went on to say that I need to lay it out on the line and tell them that "this is the last time I will be spending time with both of them. Next time I would like to spend time with just you David, and if there is a problem with that, than you won't see me for a long time." This could go badly. But she said, so what?! I shouldn't be afraid of losing him because that has already happened.
Now these are all things that I know but it does help to hear more than one person say them. Validates these thoughts. My depression is something I know I have the power to alleviate. I just have to be stronger and say goodbye to some things in my life. I will go to the dinner tomorrow night... grit my teeth, bite my tongue and just deal with it. If my brother cannot or will not hang out with me alone the next time we try and plan something, that will be the end of me reaching out... period! That is a difficult decision to make as he is my brother, but a necessary one.
Aside from that and continuously working to get a new job that pays more and has benefits, my negative feelings I know will subside. If at that point, I still feel unhappy, well then I will know that it is definitely time to see a therapist, because that must mean my issues are partially internal. This is my action plan. It may not be the best plan for just anyone, but I believe it is for me. At least for right now. I love my brother because I feel I have to, not because I want to. I DO however WANT to love myself more.
Poor Matt doesn't really understand what I am going through and therefore does not have the magic word to say nor does he know the right thing for me to do. I keep thinking I should rely on him. But how can you rely on something that doesn't understand what you are going through? He has a very different life, a good job and a close family. Not to say that he doesn't have down times in his life or that he doesn't struggle with stuff too, but not the particular things that I am. He tries though and that is what matters. He's a good friend to me.
Overall, little things like blogging help lift me out of my depressed state, and so do others agreeing and/or being understanding of what my issue(s) are. Also, especially when someone gives me good advice.
More updates to come...
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Hunting
I have got NEW JOB on my brain. I NEED to get much more serious with my job hunt. I HATE working at my job. I HATE my boss and the clients have become tedious and frustrating. I feel as though I am running on a hampster wheel every single day. The client asks for the same reporting documents over and over that have already been sent to them. It is ridiculous. My boss wants a "download" all the freaking time to remind her where her nose is and how to do her job. Half the time she doesn't even call our clients by the right name. She's 61 now and I say... time to retire lady! Quit while you are behind. Find a fifth husband to suck the life out of and leave your career please!!! Because honestly, she is really sucking the life out of all of us here at this office. I cannot believe I have been here for over a year and a half and NOTHING... NO NEW JOB. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about how unsuccessful I am in my career. So, that said... time to really really hunt for a job where I really want to work. I am now going to strongly pursue hospitality PR (i.e. hotel, cruise, airline, restaurant, etc.). Time to make my career what it should be, what I need it to be.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
My first blog!
Hello fellow bloggers! I am officially a blogger now and this is my very first blog. I never thought blogging would be for me because I probably wouldn't keep it up. Only at this point in my life, things are different. My mind is so overloaded with concerns, worries, annoyances, frustrations, doubts and questions that it has become necessary. In short, I once thought of blogging as a pass time when one was bored. Now blogging has become essential to my mental health. A diary online I guess. I am certain this is what blogging means to a lot of people as well. A vehicle to get ones thoughts off their chest.
Well here it is! My first frustration...
My roommate and best friend (although I question the "best friend" part lately) has the world's biggest asshole for a boyfriend. NO ONE likes him. He is most definitely using her and cheating on her. No one can reach her or get through to her head that this guy is no good. He has been extremely disrespectful to her and to me as her friend and roommate when he has come over. I HATE this guy. And I don't "hate" anyone. It takes a lot for me to be really disgusted with someone like I am with him. It confuses me, I always looked to her as a wise person about one's love life. But now, and this sounds harsh, she has become one of the dumbest girls I have ever met (in the love department that is). It baffles me! To make a long story short, I am frustrated because she has put him first so much so that everything in her life has taken a backseat, and further than that... very neglected. Like... her dogs. She has two little dogs that she leaves trapped in her bedroom for days. They just piss and shit all over the carpet in her room and many times I find them with no food and water. It poses a sanitary issue I know! She has made NO effort to spend time with me or her other friends in a long time. She never spent time with me for my birthday either. Her relationship with this guy is so overpowering and he is definitely using her. He is ALWAYS asking her for favors. He is a loser with no job and no car. She has become Morgan Freeman in Driving Mr. Dick Head! So we FINALLY make plans to go spend a day together tomorrow for a very belated birthday, and she texts me tonight with some other damn favor her BF needs. ARGH! Now she will have to give HIS friend a ride to the airport tomorrow. Why is he offering things to people that HE is not even providing? He is offering up his GF's car and naive nature. There go our plans! I realize there are worse things in life, but I really feel as though I am being taken for granted.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)